“Then I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, “Whom shall I send, and who will go for Us?” Then I said, “Here am I. Send me!””
The last time I prayed the words above to God, I was laying in a hospital bed with severe Pneumonia. Puzzled doctors scrambled around, trying multiple different medications while I became more sick. Kidney failure and worsening symptoms threatened to squash any hope of leaving the hospital in short order. The illness had come upon me so quickly and the rapidity with which I was worsening astounded the physicians . . . but God.
In that dark place, I cried out to God. I saw a vision of me praying the prayer that Isaiah had spoken thousands of years before and heard the gentle response, “even here?” As is often the case, when the LORD speaks to me I am humbled and amazed at His wisdom. Would I let Him use me in this place, encroached in fear and uncertainty, unable to eat, barely able to walk?
It was all I could do to muster up my strength to get up and write a Scripture on the board. How was God going to use me when I had no voice? “Rise, get up and walk. I will enable you.” Dizzy and straining for breath, I staggered out of the bed carefully, dragging all the hospital paraphernalia with me. From my devotion time, I wrote a verse on the board then crawled back to bed.
The response was almost immediate. Hospital staff started to ask questions and I shared as best as I could my testimony with them. For the remainder of my stay (9 days), I would get up, write a Scripture on the board and worship Him in that place.
“Now, rise and bless those around you.” “How, Lord?” “Give what You have been given.” As flowers were brought in, the LORD told me to give them away to others who needed encouragement. So, pitiful as I was, I realized the LORD was trying to get me to walk to clear my lungs, and I walked, slow as a turtle up and down the hospital ward, delivering flowers (with companions by my side, helping me to walk).
Sometimes we do not understand why we must walk through difficult seasons or hardships, but God is always using our blessings and trials for our good, His glory, and others around us. A nurse in that hospital recommitted her life to Christ. She will never be the same, nor will I. I could have laid there feeling sorry for myself. I could have given up. Instead, the LORD, Who is rich in mercy, showed me another way. He wanted to use an incapacitating illness to reveal His enablement and grace to a disillusioned child of God.
So now I stand as a living testimony to be used again, praying the same prayer, “Here am I. Send me!”” After my heart was broken into a million pieces and functioning was so difficult when my family was torn apart, I was content to take a back seat and did not know if I would ever write music again . . . but God.
As I prepare to record music again after a long break it is an extremely humbling adventure and my heart’s desire is to serve others and glorify God with every lyric, every note, every instrument, every track. I long to somehow give hope to those who are in a seemingly hopeless situation, to see that God is and always has been enough.
If you are in a tough spot now and your sorrows are overwhelming you, please know that He loves you and is not through with you yet. He delights and is glorified even in our weakness and able to transform us and those around us through what we deem to be ugly and worthless. While we tend to try to muddle through suffering, yielding to Him and accepting all He sends our way is worshiping Him in the fire and it is beautiful. Funny thing is, once the focus is off of us, we become freer and stronger than before.
Lord, thank You for never giving up on us and for using us to bring glory to Your Holy Name. We stand in awe of You!